Its appropriate I guess that as we have just entered British Summer Time here in the UK to talk about time. Our relationships are built over time and with that comes the chance to look back on shared experiences both good and bad. When Dementia enters into your world that concept of time is often changed forever. While short term memories are often difficult to recall, recollection of days gone by can become crystal clear. So what effect does that have on our relationships?
Having noticed the change in a close family member who was diagnosed with Alzheimers last November, although perhaps as many people have found we knew something was going on long before then, I’ve begun to equate it with a case of resetting the clock. While those old memories remain they are of a time, and more often than not if you are a son or a daughter it was a time when you weren’t around or if you were the child that formed part of those memories is not easily recognisable in the adult that presents themselves today. In our family we’ve taken the decision to move forward as if November was day one. If memories from the past involving us come up then great but there’s no point in trying to force them. Instead hard as it may seem its about rebuilding a brand new relationship with that person you have known all or most of your life.
Experience suggests this is much harder to do for people living around someone with dementia than the person themselves. The temptation is to leap in there with old photographs and go down the ‘don’t you remember Uncle Harry?’ route because that keeps you in your comfort zone. Whats more uncomfortable is to try to find out what you now have in common apart from history. I’m not saying do away with reminiscence because its still a very valuable tool but try to use it as a window on the past while your’re living in the present and not the other way round.
Starting all over again can be a daunting prospect but it can also be a very rewarding one both for you as a carer and your loved one with dementia. As we are finding out you can both benefit and learn a lot about each other.
The ‘D’ Word 